I’ve never been good at letting go. I can remember my first grade substitute teacher pulling me aside and disciplining me for crying during the pledge. I remember the way her hairspray smelled. I can even remember what she said. “What could you be so upset about this early in the morning?”.
What a loaded question.
Over the last couple of years I really started thinking about when my anxiety started and eventually I realized that I have always been nervous. From worrying about field trips to being scared before a test. Why though? I had great parents, a safe and comfortable home, the cutest little brother and friends. I have tried to focus on getting to the root of it and letting it go.
My prayers went from long detailed lists of exactly what I was struggling with to the same prayer that I have been praying since I’ve had children.
“God, please help me.”
I accepted the fact that He already knows exactly what I carry. He knows what I am capable of and He has His own will for me. So why set myself up to be disappointed by not getting the answers that I was looking for? Keep it simple. Pray for Him to help me and He will know exactly what that means.
I had no idea that the simple prayer would do what it’s done for me.
I still don’t have answers. I definitely don’t always say or do the right things. I’m far from cooked. I am not as close to God as I want to be. Actually, if you look at my life as a whole it’s more chaotic than it’s been in as long as I can remember. It’s harder than it’s ever been. But the most important thing that the prayer has done for me is that it’s completely changed my perception.
I went from being exhausted working full time with 3 babies to taking a break from work and learning the lessons of a stay at home mom. Now that I’m back at work I am grateful for every car ride alone, every penny I make and the gratification that I feel at the end of the day. I would have never seen it that way had I not taken an unfortunate circumstance and tried my hardest every day to understand what He was teaching me.
He taught me what a budget was.
That it’s perfectly fine to do your own pedicures.
That you can go months without having your hair done.
That getting up at 5 am and putting scrubs on feels good.
That Target runs are a luxury.
That loneliness isn’t always lonely.
That I can live without eating out.
That filling up my gas tank is a treat.
That the coffee that I make at home is just as good.
That quality time at home is just as fun as going out.
That helping other people outside of my family feeds my soul.
That other people might not understand me or what I’m going through and that’s ok.
That expectations are a complete waste of time.
That more time to get things done doesn’t help.
That sharing your life with someone is a gift.
That it’s ok to give up your “home” and make a new one somewhere else.
That every second with my kids is precious.
That it’s ok to shrink my circle. Strength isn’t always in numbers.
That it’s ok to grieve losses in my life however I see fit.
That I can make a $20 bill stretch for days.
I could go on and on...
What I’m realizing now is that I would not have appreciated any of these things had I not gone through a rough patch. I wouldn’t value my money if I hadn’t felt what it’s like to go without.
Everything is a little brighter. I hold onto a lot but I let more go than I ever have before. Every day something comes up that years ago would have made me uneasy. But He has provided constantly and has made me grateful for everything I have, even if it's not much.
Right now I am grateful for the painful experiences that are slowly molding me into the woman and mother that I want to be. I have a long way to go but the strength that He has built in me is worth every setback. I’ll probably never know the reasons why things happen. At least now I know that it doesn’t matter why.
The bottom line is this:
When you are in the trenches look for the lessons instead of the reasons why. It might end up being the shift in perspective that changes your life.
Xoxo,
Mary-Ellen